Look Into Your Heart

And then it dawned on me. Just like that. The secret to successful television in 2010. The common thread, the magic formula, the grand design, the recurring theme? Grovelling. Yep, grovelling.

I, like a lot of folk have been scratching my head fairly vigorously for a number of years now. Then came the Eureka moment. In the toilet, appropriately enough.

“I’m a grafter Bill, I’ll sweat blood for ya Bill, if you hire me Bill you won’t regret it, I’ll go the extra mile for ya Bill, I’m a warrior Bill, this is my dream Bill, I’ll rub your knob for ya Bill. Please Bill, please don’t fire me.”

“Please Cheryl this is my dream, I’ve worked so hard for this, without it I’ve nothing, I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll work even harder, this is all I’ve ever wanted, please don’t kill my dream, I’ll rub your knob for ya Cheryl. Please Cheryl, please don’t send me home.”

So they stay and we all look forward to the same encounter again next week.

And the stupid bastard who has more self respect than to prostrate himself before The International Court of Human Shites goes home. Loser.

Time For Heroes

Here's another one. I couldn't resist. The best two minutes and forty two seconds you'll have today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day for that matter.

Up The Bracket

Never Mind The Bollocks Here's The Libertines

Below The Radar

No word from Amy Winehouse or Jack O’Connor recently. Are they still alive?

Hold The Front Page

In an unprecedented development a football manager deduced after a recent game that his team was merely tired mentally. The same week an athlete stated that he was tired physically after exertions on the international circuit whereas back at home it was business as usual when the captain of a hurling team proclaimed that he and his team were indeed tired physically AND mentally following the recent campaign.

Elsewhere and in an unexpected break with tradition an over the hill light entertainment celebrity has vowed to let cancer beat him.

Keep It Country

Mind how you go. Stop, look, listen. Take a minute to reflect. We are living, not in a country or a society but an economy, a fragile little slip of a thing. We need to tread very carefully.

I urge you to add another layer of thought to the layers of deliberation you already carry out before you set about each component of your daily business. Want to pick up the kids early? Want to do a lasagne for dinner? Want to go for a few drinks on Saturday night? Want to give your five a side a miss this week?

Well go ahead, but think very carefully about the impact your recklessness is having. On the markets. I implore you to spare a thought for the markets. Look into your heart and in the name of all that’s holy bow your head in a moment of solitary contemplation and think, just stop and think about how the markets will react.

Dictionary Corner

Shitocracy: A strand of democracy popularised in the Republic of Ireland in the early years of the twenty first century wherein only proven gobshites can be elected to a nation's parliament. Despite initial concerns as to its viability, Shitocracy has subsequently become the preferred form of governance of the western world in the process conferring global notoriety on its pioneer and principal proponent Brian Cowen.