An Bhfuil Cead Agam Puke?

Michael D Higgins is expected to win the TG4 debate because he has the best command of the Irish language. Therefore it is not a debate. If candidates are already filtered by means of their proficiency in the prescribed means of communication it is not a debate. It is a ball of shite. Who would win a debate conducted in semaphore, or smoke signals or Morse code? Who's to say that these are things we won't also need to know, in due course?

Who out there I wonder will read anything into the results of this debate. “You know I wasn’t sure but when I saw Sean Gallagher using chúaigh when he obviously meant tháinig that sealed it for me. We can’t have a lad that clueless with his verbs in the Park. He won't know whether he's coming or going.“

If it’s a test of Irishness you’re after why not have televised contests to establish who can eat the most macaroon bars in one sitting or a currach making challenge. I fancy Gallagher in both by the way. But I can’t be sure. And I need to be sure.

Sorry, I Think You've Confused Me With Someone Who Gives a Fuck

Is the Presidential election the most important thing to you right now? The second, third, fourth or fifth? No. Well to pick up a newspaper or turn on a TV or radio you’d be convinced it was top of everyone’s list. It’s top of the media’s list. That’s because the media is full of people who have the horn for the Red C poll. They love being on an election footing, in election mode.

Imagine for a moment that you are energised by speculation over where Michael D Higgins’ transfers will go. Imagine that you are prepared to discuss this for hours on end and seemingly never get tired of it. Imagine that you are prepared to speculate at length why Gay Mitchell has not gained any traction with the voters. Imagine that you want to talk about the minutiae of language that Sean Gallagher used in answer to a question about Fianna Fáil when they were in power. Imagine that you are willing and able to do these things, all day every day.

If you were this type of person do you think it’s fair that you should be setting the tone for national discourse, do you think it’s fair that you bring everyone into it by leading every bulletin or headlining every newspaper with the latest meltdown from Dana’s granny's brother in law? Do you not think you might have picked up a shred of self awareness at some point on your journey through life and thought “you know what, the report on proposals to prevent banks from repossessing homes is probably the most important thing in the news this week. I better make sure it doesn’t get buried underneath an analysis of David Norris's body language”

These people fetishise opinion polls, Prime Time debates and “policy” analysis. Which would be fine if they didn’t continually assume we all want to play.

At the time the date was set for the last general election, the normally reliable Newstalk guillotined their Saturday afternoon sports show to bring us “analysis” of the political developments by the likes of Irish Independent journalist Fionnan Sheehan. It was hosted by Ger Gilroy, the same lad who normally hosts the sports show in that slot. At one stage Gilroy made an announcement for those who have just joined us that the regular show had been shelved in favour of coverage of the political situation. At this point Sheehan interjected and assured listeners that this was the equivalent of the Champions League Final, the FA Cup Final and All Ireland Final all rolled into one. Oh how they laughed, Sheehan and his buddies. But Gilroy didn’t laugh. Gilroy knew that he and the rest of us were being deprived of something of actual significance; Fulham v Arsenal.

Surrounded by loolahs, Ger could not go there.

If You Builder They Will Come

Sean Gallagher is optimistic about the impact his election will have on tourism.

A Kitchen Somewhere in Ohio , October 28th 2011

Todd: Ya know Cindy things are tight I think we need to put that trip to Ireland we were talking about on the long finger

Cindy: Are you fuckin’ kidding me baby, did you not hear? A bald builder from Cavan has just become President over there, we leave tomorrow. Conversation over.

Todd : Ok baby , I guess you know best

Cindy: Damn straight

Times Square

Marianne Faithfull, listen as loud as your ears will tolerate.

Past Bedtime

Of course nobody stores stuff under the bed anymore. It used to be a permanent repository, items would disappear and childhoods would come and go before they would re emerge. We don’t do that anymore. In 2011 if you were to compile a list of domestic no go areas the chassis of your bed would be right up there with the inside of your septic tank. This once celebrated pastime is now part of an affliction known as clutter. We throw stuff out. Nobody threw anything out back then, it was all too hard to come by in the first place, no matter how superfluous it became it was morally unacceptable to throw away a perfectly good anything, regardless of uselessness. If we need to store something now the undercarriage of the bed is inevitably the last place to be suggested as a suitable location. You would hire a lockable unit miles away before you’d be seen on your hands and knees in your own bedroom (in the name of storage at any rate).

That’s where we’re at. You can ask how we got here and while you’re at it you might as well ask how society functioned before the baby wipe was devised. I do not know. Nobody does.

Choose Sides

And you draw an imaginary line through time which separates those who share your frame of reference from those who don’t. As far as you’re concerned anyone who doesn’t remember Stretch Armstrong can fuck off.

Are You Really Calling The Shots?

We think we make decisions but we don’t. Things happen to us. We passively allow events to take place and then set about retrospectively constructing the rationale which, in an ideal world, would have initiated the event in the first place. But it’s too late; it’s not a decision any more. It’s a retroactive justification we concoct to placate and delude ourselves into thinking we’re in control. The world hurls garbage of one kind or another at us in the creation of most of which we have been utterly complicit and as a consequence are powerless to influence or abate in any meaningful way.

People allow all manner of stuff to happen that if properly analysed they would not. We are essentially lazy, we don’t want to expend too much mental effort figuring out if things are right or appropriate for us so we allow events to unfold unfettered. We permit our lives to string out into a sequence of uncontrolled incidents. This is probably why there is so much unhappiness around. People get married who shouldn’t, people have children who shouldn’t, people move to the country who shouldn’t, people get credit cards who shouldn't, people buy ponies who shouldn't. These revelations arrive too late, with the insight which the experience itself provides.

It seems that if people were more reflective and contemplative we would all find ourselves better off. If everyone used and honed their capacity for analysis and premeditation a lot of unhappy outcomes could be avoided. Is this it, is this the summation of all our problems - we are too lazy and shallow. Could it possibly be that simple?

And of course we all know those who have managed to suit themselves and wonder where the savvy comes from. The answer, of course, can be found within the concept of reincarnation. On the evidence that I have seen it seems it may take a couple of attempts to become good at life. So as you look at the beautiful ones, the ones who have managed to manipulate all the forces around them to their own ends console yourself with the knowledge that they are probably on their second or third circuit. Buried deep within their subconscious are all the lessons of previous human lives lived unsatisfactorily, notes to self.

Most of us used to be badgers or llamas or iguanas, that’s why we still don’t get it. Maybe next time round.

Credibility Benefit

So it appears Norris is even more qualified for the job than we thought. He’s been looting two and a half grand a month on the back of some disability yarn for the past seventeen years. Incredibly, the voters view this as a bad thing and he has plummeted in the opinion polls. I seem to be in the minority in thinking that these revelations enhance his credentials. He’s an old hand at this crack. A master of the fine art of collecting vast quantities of money for no apparent reason; this is what they call having a proven track record. If it's relevant experience you want then look no further.

You can have your Sean Gallaghers of this world with their enterprise, acumen, drive and resourcefulness all day long. But it counts for very little when you stack it up against the savvy of a Daithí Norris. Daithí has taken us for half a mill while no one was looking; he’s already in Presidential mode.

Let’s just get the formalities over with and get him in there. Gallagher will you just run along there now and create a few jobs, like a good lad. Leave the heavy lifting to disability Daithí.

Nothing to see here.