Tariffirmation

I woke up today to find that the word “tariff” has replaced terms such as “bill” or “price” or “cost” or “charges”.

These words were crass and vulgar and conjured disagreeable associations with hardship and anxiety in peoples’ minds. Tariff is more gentile, polite and carries no such baggage. Some people I’m sure don’t even know what it means yet.

But they will soon, maybe when they drop into a mobile phone shop to change their monthly plan and are informed that they no longer pay a monthly charge but a monthly tariff. Or when they find themselves at the pay station of a hospital car park after visiting a sick relative and find that they are not required to pay parking charges but a parking tariff.

It won’t seem like any imposition at all to pay a tariff. In fact it will be your pleasure. Until you get used to it, at which point the guys down in marketing will oversee the evolution of a new and uncompromised word for such unavoidable unpleasantness.

Impost maybe, or outlay or how about appraisal? Appraisal is good, sounds vaguely positive. Bad news dressed up as good news. Bingo.