Famous Fodder

Do they really need to refer to themselves as celebrity chefs? Is that combination of brands really necessary? I mean if a chef appears on TV who is famous for being a chef, well then he is just a chef. I don’t need to be instructed that he is indeed a celebrity. I figured that bit out for myself when I recognized him, thus qualifying him as a celebrity.

I mean Robbie Williams would not be introduced on a chat show as a “celebrity musician” or Ashley Cole as a “celebrity footballer”. We know he’s a footballer, we recognized him therefore he’s a celebrity footballer. But we’re all comfortable leaving the celebrity bit out, so he’s a footballer.

Not so with chefs. The rules state that we must always refer to Gordon Ramsay and Marco Pierre White as celebrity chefs. Never as just a chef or just a celebrity. Always a celebrity chef.

You can view them as celebrities who happen to chefs or chefs who happen to be celebrities, but always celebrity chefs. Because to attain the status of a celebrity is one laudable thing indeed and to become a chef is in itself quite a feat but to fuse the two into one omnipotent entity is surely the pinnacle of human achievement. As good as it gets.

It’s one thing to be able to chop an onion very quickly, it’s quite another to be globally recognized as one who can chop an onion very quickly.

Futureshock - They Haven't A Clue

The ESRI are today predicting a return to meaningful growth in 2012 “barring any unforeseen circumstances”. In 2012 when we are still mired in this unprecedented slump I wonder what type of events will qualify as unforeseen circumstances. Bohemians losing at home to Dundalk in the Cup? A cold sore epidemic at the Blarney Stone? The Urlingford by pass? Oh to be an economic forecaster, how do I go about landing a gig like that? This might happen, that might happen, then again the other might happen. Oh look lunchtime already.

Tariffirmation

I woke up today to find that the word “tariff” has replaced terms such as “bill” or “price” or “cost” or “charges”.

These words were crass and vulgar and conjured disagreeable associations with hardship and anxiety in peoples’ minds. Tariff is more gentile, polite and carries no such baggage. Some people I’m sure don’t even know what it means yet.

But they will soon, maybe when they drop into a mobile phone shop to change their monthly plan and are informed that they no longer pay a monthly charge but a monthly tariff. Or when they find themselves at the pay station of a hospital car park after visiting a sick relative and find that they are not required to pay parking charges but a parking tariff.

It won’t seem like any imposition at all to pay a tariff. In fact it will be your pleasure. Until you get used to it, at which point the guys down in marketing will oversee the evolution of a new and uncompromised word for such unavoidable unpleasantness.

Impost maybe, or outlay or how about appraisal? Appraisal is good, sounds vaguely positive. Bad news dressed up as good news. Bingo.

The Difference Is, We're Demented

What has infiltrated the hierarchies of our major supermarket chains? Supervalu' presumably paid good money to an advertising agency to come up with “Real Food, Real People”. Real people as opposed to what? Those foreigners they have in the other shops. It’s a bit of stretch to claim that because someone had to get on board an aeroplane to come here that their claim to being a capable, authentic human being is thereby invalidated. Real food? So let’s be clear on this, it is Supervalu’s contention that its competitors are using fake people to stock shelves with fake food which they are then attempting to sell to an oblivious public.

A serious allegation indeed and one which the folks at Dunnes Stores clearly were not prepared to take lying down. Thus the swift counter attack “The difference is, we’re Irish”. To claim supremacy in such a fashion, a fashion which seeks to end all discussion, to announce dominion over all else can only mean one thing; Aryanism.

And where is the National Consumer Agency, An Bord Bia, the Ombudsman or the Equality Authority while all this subterfuge and deranged diplomacy is taking place? Asleep at the wheel that’s where. Typical.

Pretend food. Cyborgs on checkouts. The Aryan Irish. WTF. We need an Oireachtas Sub Committee at the very minimum.

Goodbye England (Covered In Snow)

Laura Marling on Later with Jools Holland last week.

I'll Take you Home Again Gunther

My eldest brought home the school photos recently and inside the package was a form outlining the procedure for selecting the type and quantity of prints, the cost involved and instructions for collection. The form was signed off “Thank You, The Photographer”. Where does he think he is, in a Krzysztof Kieslowski movie? His wife is The Bookkeeper and his best friend is a performance artist called The Pheasant. He lies awake every night wistfully recalling the day he was smuggled to the American side with a dozen other dissidents strapped to the chassis of an armored personnel carrier. Life in the rural midlands has been nothing but a constant source of disappointment to him since. These parents, the same dull, predictable pose they want to order every year. Nobody ever wants their kids dressed in a Stasi uniform holding replica AK47s against the backdrop of a crumbling East Berlin. Fucking Irish, cultural derelicts. Top spuds mind.