In Any Poor Man's Language

The times they are a changing, the recessionary days are rapidly returning. Is it not appropriate that our language also evolves to reflect the changing circumstances? We need to cut our linguistic cloth according to our measure and now is the time for more austere language. We need to get back to basics.

During the boom we used boom language. Language that we imported from America to adequately describe the serious and urgent manner in which we were going about the accumulation of money and ahem..... stuff. The time has come to send all that packing and reassert our national dialect which is more in keeping with these straitened economic times.

When you‘re a go getter you “call” people on your phone. This is something that you do “right now” because naturally there is no time to lose. You also have the option to “touch base” with someone to give them the “heads up”. How about we all calm down and decide instead that you will “give him a ring there later on” or “give him a buzz and tell him the crack”. Anyhow you can’t “touch base” with someone who’s down to their last tenner, it just doesn’t fit. No, in such a scenario it is more fitting to “give him a shout”. More leisurely I think, not as clinical or aggressive. In fact let’s put back the lovely expression “at the minute” where it belongs. Let’s not be stuck in traffic “right now”, let’s be stuck in traffic “at the minute”. To a lot of people the term “bejaysus” belongs in the past when Irish people were generally perceived to be uncouth and uneducated, but I can see a role for it in today’s climate. Instead of saying “right now we are seeing a significant decline in retail activity” we should say “bejaysus we’re seeing a significant decline in retail activity”. I think you will agree that this is a much more effective way of conveying the gravity of the situation and the associated despair you are experiencing as a result.

In the boom words such as “approximately” or “roughly” were replaced by the catch all expression “in the ballpark”. We only had a vague handle on the origin and actual meaning of these three words but this did not stop us trotting them out at every opportunity. A provisional price from a contractor for home improvement work was “in the ballpark”, a bit of parallel parking that could have been better but was not strictly speaking illegal was “in the ballpark”, an exorbitant price for some three piece faux leather abomination was, somehow, “in the ballpark”. Well we should now make these three words the hardest ones to say and replace them with the much more Irish “close enough”. “Am I all right with the kerb there? Close enough”. “Is that within your budget? Close enough” “Will my arse fit into these trousers? Close enough”. It is much more suggestive of that relaxed, casual approach that we Irish became famous for in the days before the invention of sectional sofas and kitchen islands.

We are facing a dire set of circumstances and those in the know seem to think that there is no end in sight. We need a word which conveys the despair and helplessness we all feel. The good news is we already have one, “Ochon” should be resurrected and reintroduced into everyday usage. “Ochon, ochon my Range Rover has been repossessed”. “Ochon, ochon my apartment in Croatia has been foreclosed on”. Our native tongue could prove to be very useful in these circumstances in providing words which hark back to our tragic past. “A few years ago I was a high flier but sure now I’m no more than a spailpin”

Blight is a word with tragic historical connotations for Irish people, the time is now right to dust it down and bring it back “we are faced with the blight of ghost estates the length and breadth of the country”. The term “coffin ship” conjures vile associations which go back to an era in our history of unprecedented poverty, death and despair. Many would contend that the current impasse has the potential to be comparable and that we should give consideration to renaming the “ghost estate” the “coffin estate” because, let’s face it, you’ll probably be dead before they finish yours.

The “zombie hotel” is a close relative of the “coffin estate“. Unfortunately it’s not the name of an obscure Doors album from the early seventies or a themed weekend getaway wherein you participate in the solving of a fictional murder, but a real country wide phenomenon where lavish hotels are lying idle. How could they be used, having, as they do, state of the art facilities and all manner of hedonistic delights?

How about redeploying them as Correctional Facilities for white collar criminals? I’m sure the coming months and years will see the unearthing of all sorts and scales of financial irregularities, corruption and deception which took place during the boom. We are going to need somewhere to house all the offenders and cannot contemplate clogging up the real prisons with such reprobates. Since all the money is gone there is very little chance of these people re offending so a minimum security facility would suffice for their rehabilitation. Employment could be created by retrofitting the inmates with electronic tagging devices and constructing electric perimeter fencing. We could euphemistically refer to these compounds as “tribunals”, the inaugural facility being “The Fitzpatrick Tribunal”.

What used to be an iced frappacinno and a wholemeal bap with prosciutto, mozzarella, water cress and guacamole has quickly become a can of fanta, a yorkie and a bag of Hula Hoops. From knocking on the door of Nashville to a residency in The Cush Inn Kildangan, we are the fiscal equivalent of Ray Lynam.

Ochon, Ochon.