Mid Air

Paul Buchanan on Later with Jools Holland a few weeks ago

Let's Talk About Backfiring

I think the green lights on taxis in Dublin are a great idea, it’s easier than ever to avoid the Irish ones.

Van Diesel Land

And of course the solution to the traveller problem is obvious and simple but you won’t hear it floated at any official level. In fact it is precisely because of its obviousness and simplicity that it will never be mentioned at an official level.

A traveller colony. Simple as that. Take any one of those uninhabited islands off the west coast and deploy it as a traveller colony. Round them all up and airlift them over.

The freedom to indulge their cultural pursuits seems to be a big aspiration for them so I’m sure they would be only delighted to have their own territory in which to happily ride their cousins, shite in buckets, disfigure the landscape, abuse animals and assault each other with gardening tools.

It’s a win win. The travellers get the sovereignty they apparently crave, the freedom in which to inculcate their children in violence and criminality and the rest of us never have to see, hear or read about them ever again. I don’t see a flaw.

We could even give the place a name (Bridie’s Vineyard), a flag (a black silhouette of a piebald dying of exhaustion over a green background), a national anthem (Blood, Sweat & Wars), and a unit of currency (the Odd) in which to sell laundered fuel to each other.

Not to blow my own trumpet or anything but this is a great idea. Call your TD, get the wheels in motion.

Lights, Camera, Transaction

If you manage to buy something in Xtra Vision you will receive a receipt with the message “Your transaction was successful” printed on it. The recent transaction wherein my eight year old used a gift card to buy himself a few DVDs was successful. What a relief. I couldn’t begin to quantify the anxiety and stress I felt as we approached the cashier.

What happens if the transaction is not a success? Do they just shake their head mournfully at me and point to the door, do they hand me back a receipt with “Your transaction was a failure” written on it and let that do the talking. Or do two square headed Eastern European gents emerge from behind the counter to flank and escort me out in case I dispute the verdict and decide to make a scene?

Or maybe these messages are more to do with the cultural rather than the commercial aspect of the purchase. Am I more likely to obtain the coveted successful verdict buying something like Three Colours Blue, and am doomed to failure as I head to the counter clutching a copy of The Adjustment Bureau. It might be the case.

I was in Xtra Vision one day a few years ago attempting to buy the film Year One with Jack Black for my six year old. The chap behind the counter needed to be cajoled into letting me buy it as he insisted on reassuring me how bad it was. Cultural stewardship was important to this lad, his sole motivation it seemed. Maybe his star has risen, he’s now running Xtra Vision and these messages are his idea.

He’s on a one man mission to protect us from Drew Barrymore. I suppose it’s possible.